Well where do I even begin…. Firstly I’ll start by apologising if this rambling is hard to follow I know my English is pretty poor!
A while back I came across stuff on personality disorders when I was looking on the net for depression and I thought s--- this sounds a lot like me maybe this could explain why I keep having bouts of depression and generally making a mess of my life!
I finally plucked up the courage to do the test and it came out extremely high for borderline amongst other things…so where do I go from here!? I am already under the care of my GP and a crisis team (who discharged me yesterday) and have been diagnosed with depression. They’ve given me some mitazipine (which I resentfully take!) and I have been told to contact my local uni to start up some CBT. I have been very sparse with the truth of how I really feel… I guess out of fear mainly..its like every time I have to speak to them something kicks in and I lie and tell them what they wanna hear. Besides I’m not sure I could look a person in the face and tell them that ‘recently whilst reflecting upon my life and the way I have behaved I have concluded that I could be evil, a demon or even related to the devil’(that actually makes me laugh now!) or wish the people who cared for me weren’t alive so I could kill myself without upsetting them.
My fears are:
1.Being on meds - I hate western/modern medicine and this pill popping culture we live in!
2.Being locked up in a psychiatric hospital.
3.Both of the above!
Or
4.Becoming one of those weird loners who lost their former glory, who people look at and think wtf happened to her!!
The way things are going any of those could soon become true.. its almost like some hideous self fulfilling prophecy and then it blows my tiny little mind and I think is this a medical, religious, spiritual or something that no one on this earth can comprehend! Erghhh!!
It wasn’t so long ago I had a ’normal’ life, it wasn’t great but it wasn’t bad either. I was an attractive girl, I was working, had a casual relationship, a good social life, spending my money, I had my hobbies my interest; I was out there in the world - living I guess! Then something started to give I started to get stressed, I couldn’t cope.. had to get off and make it all stop! So for the last 11 weeks I’ve been signed off work by the doctor barely leaving my house or speaking to anyone, slowly loosing touch with reality. At first I was hardly eating but now I am bingeing on crap and my weight is slowly creeping up. I have also been obsessively picking at my skin to the point where I can spend hours doing nothing else. My behaviour is incredibly self destructive as I already have massive issues about the way I look and how people perceive me…its like I’m set on destroying myself! I look like an absolute bag of s---! I can’t imagine going back to how I was before I feel embarrassed and ashamed, even having a shower feels like an alien/pointless task to me now.
I have thought about killing myself again many times (I took an overdose and failed last year) but I don’t wanna hurt my family. I already feel anger and resentment toward them for my crappy genetics and their misgiving’s as parents which could’ve made me like this and this makes me feel so guilty like I am a terrible horrible monster cos I know they are the only ones who truly care about me. Living is hurting me though, life feels like a slow painful death at the moment..it really does already feel like it’s the beginning of the end for me - like this is my demise! I just don’t wanna be me anymore, I feel I’ve messed up one too many times….is there any hope?!!!
if I did go and speak to someone how would they actually go about diagnosing me?
